


seesaw

by adequater



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, M/M, endgame markmin nohyuck, switching partners
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-30
Packaged: 2019-11-09 09:11:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 16,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17999000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adequater/pseuds/adequater
Summary: alright, a repeating seesaw game.it's about time we put an end to it.all right, this boring seesaw game.somebody has to get out of here.though neither of us can.this seesaw game between mark and donghyuck is getting even harder to play, so donghyuck gets off, and mark does too.or, donghyuck has this brilliant idea of switching partners with jeno and jaemin for a month.





	1. sick feeling

**Author's Note:**

> hi! welcome. it's been long, i know. but january started so fast, and i was thrusted into the busy hell that is school. school's still busy, but hey. welp.
> 
> this prompt is actually given to me by the lovely putri through cc hehe!! thank u love, i've enjoyed this prompt so much. big thank you to yas for reading through some of this. you've been a huuuge help, and i'm super grateful. 
> 
> reminder that this is fictional so if this irks you, then take a step back, and realise that it's, uh well, fictional! i love these boys with all my heart, so yeah. 
> 
> title is seesaw by bts (or yoongi), so see the lyrics to see the full picture of the story!!
> 
> enjoy reading. kinda unbeta'ed?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song title is from sick feeling by boy pablo :)!

Routine, traditionally, means a sequence of actions regularly followed. 

 

Which could basically mean everything. Ranging from the mundane and everyday life of waking up, and working out five times a week, and limiting your food each day to 1929 calories. 

 

Routine, in Mark’s life, means Donghyuck. 

 

Mark wakes up everyday next to Donghyuck. Donghyuck will always be the one to be asleep first, and yet he’s still the one that wakes up later. Mark wakes up everyday, and sometimes he stares at Donghyuck’s sleeping face, angelic and soft under the false sense of tranquility of the morning when nothing and everything seems to exist at the same time, where everything yet nothing seems to be alright, and the dread of the day is hanging just above their heads. Mark wakes up everyday, and sometimes he barely spares a glance at Donghyuck, and just rolls out of bed to the bathroom where he brushes his teeth and washes his face. 

 

Mark wakes Donghyuck up with a soft kiss on his cheek everyday. That’s a routine. The smile on Donghyuck’s face isn’t. Sometimes the kiss is met by a disgruntled grunt, and sometimes it’s a kick to Mark’s torso that has Mark rolling over, and Donghyuck will then wake up, and kiss his tummy, then him breathless. Sometimes, it’s with a soft smile on Donghyuck’s face that reminds Mark why he’s here, and sometimes the kiss is met by Donghyuck pulling away so that Mark won’t disturb him. 

 

Today, it’s exactly that. 

 

“Hyuck,” Mark says, soft and raspy. That’s the first thing he says this morning. Maybe that’s a routine. If it’s not a phone call from the office, then Donghyuck’s name would be the first thing he says in the morning. Or maybe it’s the curses he mutters everyday when he wakes up and realises it’s another day to face. Either way, Donghyuck, name and person, is a routine. Mark presses a soft kiss to Donghyuck’s neck, and Donghyuck squirms. “You’re gonna be late to the office.”

 

“I don’t want to go to work.” Donghyuck says this time. This isn’t a routine. Donghyuck doesn’t say the same thing every morning, and Mark finds that something to look forward to, inexplicably. Donghyuck opens his eyes. There are eye boogers in the corners of his eyes, and Mark wipes them off, and that has Donghyuck squinting his eyes close. 

 

“You do wanna go to work.” Mark laughs. “You just don’t want to get up.” 

 

Mark gets up, and heads to his closet. He starts to shrug on his dress shirt, and Donghyuck brushes his fingers against Mark’s waist as he passes him to go to the bathroom. Mark stares at the mirror, and puts on his tie. Donghyuck showers in the morning and night. Mark finds that kind of weird, and when Mark asked, Donghyuck said work makes me feel  _ filthy and gross.  _

 

Mark heads to their kitchen, and fixes himself to coffee. Both he and Donghyuck barely eat breakfast. If Mark feels super hungry he would take the protein bar in their cabinet, but mostly he doesn’t. Donghyuck takes the protein bar almost everyday, and drinks his coffee with milk. Mark always makes his coffee for him since Mark is always up earlier, and Donghyuck likes his coffee a little lukewarm, which makes Mark wrinkle his nose the first time he knows. But Mark drinks his coffee black, and that’s a shade of fucked up too, so Donghyuck looks at him weird too. 

 

Donghyuck exits their bedroom, and takes his coffee. “Thank you.” 

 

Mark gives him a nod, and flips through his social medias, double tapping on pictures of his friends’ children, or whatever country they’re visiting that month. Mark cringes at badly written articles, but reads them anyways, and scroll through bigoted people’s tweets even when it makes his blood boil. Mark replies to texts from his friends and family, and texts his family to let them know that  _ no, I can’t visit. Not yet.  _

 

“Hey.” Mark looks up with a raised brow. Donghyuck is always only in slacks. Donghyuck is clumsy. He’s scared he would spill the coffee on the already ironed dress shirt, and removing the stain would be an ass to do, and these are all obviously based on personal experience. “Do you want to meet here before we go to the dinner with Jeno and Jaemin? Or we just meet at the restaurant we’re meeting later?” 

 

Mark hums, thinking. “Let’s meet here.” Mark slips his fingers through Donghyuck’s. “Then we’ll go together.”

 

Donghyuck squeezes his hand quickly before pulling away, smiling breezily. “Cool. Don’t get off work late, yeah?” 

 

Mark nods, and Donghyuck quickly washes his cup, a basic rule they’ve implemented in the apartment. When he sees that Mark is done, he washes Mark’s too. Donghyuck goes into their room, and starts getting ready. Mark is already ready. All he needs to do is slip on his shining work shoes, and holler to Donghyuck that he’s going to get to work, and Mark would enter the room to plant a kiss on Donghyuck’s lips, and they would be apart for the day, before coming back together after work.

 

Donghyuck kisses Mark. Quick and fast, and Mark makes it stay longer, and Donghyuck pulls away. It’s weird today. But it’s sort of weird everyday these days. 

 

“I love you,” Donghyuck says. Mark blinks. That’s random. 

 

Mark laughs. “That’s random of you.” 

 

Donghyuck smiles, and fixes his tie in the mirror. “Just felt like it.”

 

Mark looks at him. “I love you too, Hyuck.”

 

Mark goes to work. It’s a routine.

 

-

 

Mark met Jaemin and Jeno by chance. 

 

In fact, he met Donghyuck by chance, too. 

 

It was like that in college, Donghyuck, Jaemin, and Jaemin came in package, and Mark just ended up getting a package deal when he decided to somehow, somehow spend his life with Donghyuck. Mark wonders sometimes whether or not he would stay in touch with Jaemin and Jeno if it hadn’t been for his relationship with Donghyuck. His relationship with Donghyuck had brought him inexplicably close with both of them, but of course, not as close as Donghyuck is to them. Mark doesn’t think he could ever be as close as Donghyuck is to them, anyways. They have the world’s history in them, while Mark is just a tiny smear in that history. 

 

Mark thinks too much when he drives. He thinks about this hell of a client he’s dealing with at work, and he thinks about his parents in Canada, and he thinks about college, and how much almost everything yet nothing has changed.  He thinks about Donghyuck, and their current state of life, and he thinks about Jaemin and Jeno, and wonder why they seem like this perfect couple, while...yeah. He doesn’t want to think.

 

Mark parks quickly. It’s parallel parking, and unlike other people, he doesn’t struggle much with it, so he parks with ease. He’s still in his work clothes, naturally. He and Donghyuck agreed to meet here anyways, so of course he’s still in his work clothes. Mark exits the car, and finds Jaemin parking right behind him. He struggles with the parallel parking, and Mark laughs at him from outside, and Mark can see Jaemin rolling his eyes at him as he continues to struggle. He’s probably embarrassed. Jaemin is always like that when he thinks he’s showing any signs of weakness. 

 

_ Being good at parallel parking is a gift,  _ Mark remembers saying to Jaemin pretentiously when Jaemin first finds out Mark is good at it. They were getting groceries for dorm, which at that time, consisted of any junk food they could fit in the dorm. It was a supermarket’s parking lot. Mark chose to parallel park even when there’s a parking spot that would be easier to park in.  _ Being a douche is a privilege,  _ Jaemin said back. 

 

“Hey,” Mark says, once Jaemin parks his car. Jaemin gives him a look as he exits, bumping his fist against Mark’s shoulder softly. Jaemin’s hair now is this weird mix of blonde and brown. Probably the only accepted colour in his work place right now. Mark remembers when Jaemin had pink as his hair colour. Mark kind of remembers too much when he’s with Jaemin. 

 

“Hey,” Jaemin says back, and he studies Mark. “I saw you laughing, Mark.” Mark laughs again, cheeky, and Jaemin can’t help but break out into a grin. “You came here from work?” 

 

Jaemin knows it’s a stupid question. Mark replies anyways. “Mhm.” They walk to the entrance of the restaurant, and says their reservation name which is always, always under  _ Nana.  _ It’s been a habit to do that. Jaemin’s childhood nickname is just the easiest to roll off the tongue, so there’s that. 

 

Jeno and Donghyuck are already there, seemingly in a deep discussion, with their wine glasses filled. They’re sitting next to each other, so Mark and Jaemin sit next to each other. With Mark across Donghyuck, and Jeno across Jaemin. Mark leans forward, and softly plants a kiss on Donghyuck’s cheek, and punches Jeno’s chest softly which makes Jeno grin. The waiter comes, and fill his and Jaemin’s wine glasses, and take both their orders.

 

Dinner with Jeno and Jaemin happens when they want it to happen. It’s just sort of a weird thing they do. They see each other so much. Mark knows Donghyuck and Jeno sometimes meet each other for lunch just because their office is so close to each other. Sometimes Mark asks Jaemin to come over so that they can play on Mark’s Playstation because Donghyuck sucks ass at games. Mark and Jeno go to the same gym, and sometimes their schedule clash, and they end up at a smoothie place after their workout. Sometimes it’s a lunch at Jeno and Jaemin’s place, and sometimes dinner at Mark and Donghyuck’s, but sometimes, and usually, outside because cooking for two is hard, and what more for four. 

 

This is the outing part. 

 

Talking comes easy. It always does. If after work, it usually starts with: “How was work?”   
  


Donghyuck asks that this time. Jaemin answers with a wrinkle of his nose. “Shit. I love my students and all, but they’re really bratty sometimes. One kid asked to go to the toilet and never came back.” 

 

Jaemin is an elementary school teacher. Suits him, really. He’s bright and happy, and enjoys being with kids. Mark wonders sometimes when Jeno and Jaemin are getting kids. They’re so perfect together. A kid would just add to the perfect harmony they’re living in. They’re not married, and neither are Donghyuck and Mark. But at this point in time, neither of them are really thinking about marriage. At least not Mark. Mark kind of thinks marriage is bullshit. Why does being with someone you love come at the cost of paying for around a thousand of people’s meals? Mark doesn’t even remember his great aunt’s name. Why does she need to be there when the last time he had seen Mark was when Mark was merely an infant. Stuffs like that. It’s just not worth it. 

 

Mark laughs at that, and Jaemin looks at him, smirking and mocking. “You think that’s funny?”

 

Mark laughs again. “I just think it’s ironic how you’re condemning a kid for something you would do. Remember History?”

 

Jeno laughs at that. “How could we not. That story is legendary.” In short, back in college, Jaemin had such bad of anxiety over presenting he bolted out of class. It’s ironic how he’s a teacher now which practically requires him to talk in front of people all damn day. Mark kind of doesn’t understand Jaemin sometimes. But people grow, and that’s all there is to it sometimes. College was many years ago, anyways. “How’s work for you, Mark?”

 

Mark takes another sip of his wine, his smile hidden by the glass. “Shit.” Jaemin smiles at that. “A client refused my negotiations.” Another sip. “Whatever, though. He’ll cave.” Mark winks at Donghyuck, and Donghyuck rolls his eyes at him, but there’s a smile tugging at his lips. “I make the best negotiations in the office, anyways, he won’t be able to find as good offers anywhere else.”

 

“Cocky.” Mark hears Jaemin says underneath his breath, and Mark pretends to not hear even when it’s intended for him to hear.

 

Donghyuck takes a sip of his own drink. “I’d talk about my day, but it’s illegal.” Donghyuck works as a therapist. 

 

That leaves it to Jeno, and Jeno just shrugs. “Same old, y’know. One of my articles went viral.” Jeno works at one of those media companies.

 

Dinner is comfortable. It’s always been. The four of them have known each other for so long. The first year of college during fresher’s week. Mark is a year older than them. Took a year off before college, so he ended up in the same batch as them. Mark met Jaemin first through a club, and somehow Jeno when Mark met Jaemin with him in a coffee shop, and somehow Donghyuck when Jeno invited him out for drinks. Somehow, Mark starts dating Donghyuck in second year, and Jeno and Jaemin started dating somewhere after, and here they are. It’s by chance, like everything in the world is. If Mark hadn’t forced himself to join the journalism club back then, he wouldn’t have met Jaemin, and if he hadn’t met Jaemin, he wouldn’t have met Jeno, and he wouldn’t be dating Donghyuck. It’s all chain of events that led them up to this. 

 

Eight years later. At this stage of life where they’re all financially stable, able to afford gym memberships and eat take-outs when they want to without having to ask parents for money, but also having the money to buy groceries, and have fancy dinners when they want to, but somehow having this unsettling feelings inside without actually knowing the cause. Maybe Mark is the only one feeling like this. Is this the first time Mark admitted to not being content?

 

It is when the food arrives that Donghyuck speaks up. “We have a proposal.” Mark is twirling the noodles around his fork, looking up in question. Donghyuck continues, glancing at Jeno, and Jeno shrugs, mutedly saying  _ yeah, sure, say it.  _ Like he’s in on it. Mark looks at Jaemin, and Jaemin looks unphased. But then Jaemin has gotten so good at hiding his facial expression that Mark doesn’t know if Jaemin knows about this said proposal or not. “Mark, aren’t you bored?”

 

Mark can feel his facial expression twist into one of confusion. “Of this?” Mark asks weakly, gesturing to his pasta. “Not really.” 

 

“No, Mark.” Donghyuck grimaces, and kicks Mark’s shoes a little. “Of us? Of, I don’t know, life?” 

 

Mark freezes in alarm. Is having a conversation in front of their friends really a wise choice? Mark knows life has gotten dull. They’re seven years into their relationship. Life isn’t college anymore. When everything was miserable,  and Donghyuck was the only thing that could keep Mark afloat and alive, as unhealthy as that sounds. Life isn’t sneaking out of dorms to go to a park where they can breathe anymore. Life isn’t being huddled up in tiny beds in their shared apartments with Jeno and Jaemin anymore, where Donghyuck was typing furiously on his laptop, and Mark was just trying to keep up. Mark knows life isn’t like that anymore, and kisses have gone from obligations rather than out of love. Mark knows that, and thought it would pass. Maybe it’s the seven year itch. Or seven and a half year itch, more accurately. Does eight year itch exist?

 

Talking about their fucked up relationship in front of their friends just doesn’t seem so right. It’s embarrassing. Not when Jaemin and Jeno are so fucking perfect for each other, and it’s almost unbearable since it serves as a reminder of what he and Donghyuck could’ve been if maybe, maybe they tried again.

 

Mark glances in alarm at both Jeno and Jaemin. They don’t look sympathetic. They just look like normal. Is Donghyuck breaking up with him in front of their friends? Isn’t this all shades of fucked up? “Look, Hyuck, can we just talk about this at home--”

 

“Mark.” Jaemin interrupts softly. Mark looks at him. It’s the first time Mark notices that he’s actually shaking. The last time Mark was this shaky was when he was running on zero sleep with too many caffeine in his bloodstream. “Just listen to Hyuck for a second.”

 

Mark does. God knows why. Donghyuck kind of looks nervous. “So I’ve been doing some thinking.” Fucker. “With Jeno and Jaemin.” Fuckers. “What if we switch partners?” What the fuck? “Mark, listen.” Mark just said that out loud. “Switch partners. With Jeno and Jaemin. They’re tired, too, Mark. We all are, and we’ve been avoiding it. Don’t you think?” Mark does. Mark thinks they’ve lost the sparks they once had, and Mark thought Jaemin and Jeno are still in love, and Mark thinks this is the stupidest fucking idea ever.

 

_ Why didn’t you talk about this with me? _ Mark wants to say. But then again, Donghyuck would probably say something along the lines of  _ why didn’t  _ you  _ start this talk?  _ and Mark would end up tongue tied, like all arguments with Donghyuck end up with. Mark says instead: “So you decided to discuss this between you three?”

 

He’s tired sometimes. He knows Jaemin, Jeno, and Donghyuck are closer than Mark is to either of them, except for Donghyuck, maybe. But doesn’t something like this warrants a few words from Mark? What exactly are they thinking?

 

“We are.” Donghyuck takes Mark’s hand in his. It feels like pity. “Right now. We all know it’s a fucked up idea--”   
  


“Damn right.”

 

Donghyuck ignores him. “But. It could be something. We’re tired of each other, Mark. Jeno and Jaemin are too.” Jeno and Jaemin both shrugs, agreeing. They kind of look normal. “They’re our closest friends. Just for a month. Just for fun, y’know? You’ll be with Jaemin, and I’ll be with Jeno. Just so we can feel those sparks again, Mark. What do you think?” 

 

Mark thinks it’s the stupidest fucking idea. 

 

But Jaemin and Jeno look so hopeful. Donghyuck does, too. 

 

-

 

They argue before they go to bed. 

 

Mark is in the shower, the door is opened, and Donghyuck doesn’t join him because he knows Mark is angry. Mark scrubs his body, and doesn’t intend for the scrubs to be so harsh, but it does, and his skin ends up being red. The water splashes everywhere, and that would probably pisses Donghyuck off, and Mark unintentionally feels angry even when he doesn’t want to feel angry. He’s angry at everything, and he’s angry at the confrontations he had been avoiding that is finally happening. This doesn’t feel like a huge burden off his shoulders. It feels weird. Like nothing Mark has ever felt before, and Mark is scared. 

 

Donghyuck is silent when Mark exits the bathroom with a towel around his waist, and a small towel rubbing at his hair. Donghyuck looks at Mark in silence.

 

Mark sighs. “You could’ve discussed that with me.”

 

Donghyuck snorts. “Would we ever have the confidence to do that? We’re both scared, Mark. You know we are.” Donghyuck’s right. Doesn’t mean Mark wants him to know he’s right. But Donghyuck’s also wrong. Bringing shit like that up in front of friends was just crossing the damn line Mark didn’t know existed.

 

“It’s just embarrassing.”

 

Donghyuck fumes, looking so annoyed at Mark that even Mark understands. He knows how much of an asshole he sounds like right now, but he doesn’t want to stop. Donghyuck’s an asshole too. Plus, the elephant in the room is already addressed. Might as well. “I didn’t bring it up at dinner because I wanted to embarrass you. It was to offer a solution. For both of us. For them. We’re all so tired of each other.”

 

Ah, right. The fact that Jaemin and Jeno are also sick of each other like Donghyuck and Mark are. Weird. So fucking weird for Mark since it has been ingrained in his head that they’re both so fucking in love. Mark pulls out a pajama out of his side of the closet. “And you think switching partners would suddenly make us in love again?” Mark sounds bitter. Donghyuck probably thinks he sounds like he’s giving up. Of them, or the argument, Mark is also not sure. 

 

Donghyuck is standing up now. “It was a mutual idea, Mark. Can you stop being an asshole for a moment?” 

 

Mark fumes this time. “Maybe when you start thinking properly. You’re doing it again. Stop psychoanalysing our relationship. I’m not your patient. Our relationship isn’t something to be experimented on like this.”

 

Donghyuck’s silent after that. They argue too much these days. That’s kind of a routine these days, now that Mark thinks of it. It’s unintentional. It’s not like Mark wakes up everyday with the clear motive of wanting to piss Donghyuck off, and so Mark leaves his socks on the entrance to spite Donghyuck. No. Those things happen when Mark isn’t thinking, and Donghyuck just decides to pick up a fight over that. The socks just happen to be there, and Donghyuck decided to bring up the fact that they don’t fuck anymore. Mark wakes up everyday, and it’s somehow in his head to please Donghyuck. Just for one moment, so that they can go back to how they used to be. Content and happy. But now, it’s just them arguing. 

 

Arguing used to be a fond thing they do. A fun banter, they used to say. 

 

But it’s just picking fights these days. 

 

Mark calms down a little after that. He puts on his pants, struggling on one feet for a moment when he does, and it’s almost comical at a situation like this. A situation so detrimental to their relationship probably. Or maybe beneficial. Depends on how you see it, really. “Sorry.” Mark sits down next to Donghyuck on the bed. “I just don’t understand the point of switching partners. This isn’t some movie, Hyuck. We’re real people. And this will affect us.”

 

Donghyuck’s silent. Staring at his feet on the carpeted tiles. “A month, Mark.” Mark sighs. Donghyuck keeps saying that like Mark doesn’t know. Like that entire conversation is not ingrained in his head now. “Jeno and Jaemin agreed. In fact, they’re both ecstatic about this. It’s just a thing. To see how we’re going to survive without each other for a month. To see if we can rekindle what we had before this--” Donghyuck flails his hand awkwardly. Not even knowing what this point in their relationship should be called. “Slump. It’s just a slump. We’ll get over this.” That seems like the best way to describe their relationship at this point. 

 

Mark gets up. “I’ll think about it.”

 

Donghyuck showers, and Mark lays in bed, pointedly having his back face Donghyuck once Donghyuck gets in bed. They go to sleep, and the next day, another routine starts. 

 

-

 

This is the first time since that dinner that Mark bumps into Jeno at the gym. 

 

His relationship with Donghyuck has gone arguably worse ever since the talk. It’s like there’s a bigger elephant in the room. They just coexist at this point. Mark still wakes Donghyuck up, and makes Donghyuck’s coffee, but he doesn’t kiss Donghyuck, and they don’t say goodbye to each other when they go to work, and Mark is always at the gym when Donghyuck returns from work so Mark doesn’t have to deal with greetings once he gets home. 

 

It’s been five days. 

 

It’s been five days since the talk, and Mark bumps into Jeno at the gym. 

 

“Hi.” Jeno greets Mark. This isn’t really bumping into each other, now that Mark thinks of it. This is just Jeno greeting Mark. Mark is on the last portion of his workout anyways. He’ll probably have to get that smoothie with Jeno, whether he likes it or not. 

 

Mark ignores him, and Jeno pokes at his side as he waits for him. Mark is done, but he adds a few more set just to lengthen this talk he’s eventually going to have with Jeno. 

 

“What?” Mark pants out, and Jeno smiles. Jeno has always had a great smile. Jaemin does too. It’s really no wonder that they both suit each other so fucking well. It’s still a strange thought to Mark that Jaemin and Jeno’s relationship are also fucked. It’s almost like Mark is so self-centred he thinks he’s the only whose relationship can suffer from a bad slump.

 

“Wanna get smoothie?” 

 

They end up at the smoothie place conveniently right next to their gym. Mark mentions it to Jeno. “They only put the smoothie place here so they can convince gym junkies that they’re being healthy when they’re just wasting money.” The guy behind the counter making their smoothies shuffle awkwardly. 

 

“I’ve got to say they’re smart.” Jeno says smoothly. Fucker. He gestures to them. “We’re buying it, aren’t we?” 

 

“Capitalism.” Mark mutters under his breath, and the guy behind the counter shuffles uncomfortably again, and Jeno gives him a punch on his shoulder with an incredulous laugh. Mark orders the 5 A Day juice that has this mix of orange, carrot, celery, and apple. Jeno orders the Grape Escape that has the colour green from the spinach in it, and it makes Mark’s insides rumble. 

 

“That doesn’t even have grape in it.” Mark says when they sit down.

 

Jeno grins cheekily. He looks like he’s still in college. “Green grape.” Mark doesn’t care either way. Mark just needs to keep talking. They’re silent for a while, just sipping on their smoothie, and Mark racks up his brain for something to talk about except the obvious. “Have you thought about it?” 

 

“About what?” Mark says automatically, since he’s an asshole who doesn’t like confrontations. 

 

Jeno rolls his eyes. Given. “The proposal. Our proposal. It’s not just Donghyuck’s idea, you know.”

 

“He told me that.” Mark says dryly. Mark then sighs, stabs forcefully with his straw on his smoothie so that they’re not lumpy so they can go through the straw. Mark hears the door of the shop jingles. New customers. Mark looks back, just because. “I don’t know, Jeno. Isn’t it weird? Why are you all so keen on this idea, anyways?” 

 

Jeno shrugs, and takes a sip of Mark’s smoothie when Mark puts it down on the table. Mark takes Jeno’s wordlessly. They try out different flavour each time they go. “That tastes like shit.” Jeno says with a squint, and he takes his drink from Mark. Mark thinks Jeno’s smoothie tastes disgusting too, but he doesn’t say it. “And yeah. Kinda weird.”

 

“The smoothie?” Mark asks jokingly. 

 

Jeno kicks at his feet, annoyed. “Haha, Mark.” Mark smirks. “Well. Dunno, really. Jaemin agreed with Donghyuck, so I did, too. It’s just a new thing, y’know? It’s just a new and fresh thing to be excited about. Plus, it’s just temporary. You live with Jaemin, and me with Hyuck. It’s just cool, y’know. For a month. A month isn’t long. All four of us need a break.” 

 

Mark sighs again. New things scare him. But this tension between him and Donghyuck before the talk, and until now scares him too. “And what’s the deal with you and Jaemin, anyways?” Jeno looks up. “I didn’t know you guys are having problems too.”

 

“Hah.” Jeno laughs dryly. “Ironic. We didn’t know  _ you  _ and  _ Hyuck  _ are having problems either. It was only when Donghyuck mentioned it to Jaemin because he couldn’t hold it in that I knew. And Jaemin finally talked about  _ our  _ weird strain. We all just happened to have the same problem at the same time.”

 

Huh. Mark kind of thought it was obvious he and Donghyuck were falling apart. Mark has never been good at reading people anyways. He isn’t Donghyuck. He’s no therapist. He doesn’t psychoanalyse like Donghyuck does. He just overthinks until his brain explodes. 

 

“And you guys thought switching partners would solve all this?” Mark says slowly. “It sounds stupid even when I say it.”

 

Jeno clinks their smoothie cup together. Mark’s cup moves a little on the table. “It’d be fun, Mark. Think of it as you hosting Jaemin.” Mark doesn’t think it’s even close to that. “It’s been days. Haven’t you thought enough?” 

 

Mark rolls his eyes. “It’s been five days.”

 

“Five days are enough to think!” Jeno says cheerily.

 

Mark only shrugs. “Isn’t it weird?”

 

Jeno sighs this time. “What? You’re not over how dysfunctional we all are?” 

 

“Not that.” Mark sighs. “Well. That, too, but like--falling out like this. I still love him. It’s just. Weird. I didn’t think this would happen with Donghyuck.” 

 

Jeno grimaces, nodding in agreement. He looks sympathetic now. Mark doesn’t know if that’s directed at Mark’s situation or his. But then they’re both facing the same problem, anyways. 

 

“Yeah. I didn’t think I would either.”

 

Mark feels bad for both of them.

 

-

 

Mark meets Jaemin next, and it’s weird because it seems like the only person Mark has been ignoring in this whole thing is Donghyuck, his own partner.

 

It’s two days after meeting Jeno, after work, at a random sushi place. They’re sitting next to each other, in front of the conveyor belt where sushi plates are slowly passing them. Mark stares at them. He kind of feels empty. This feels like a midlife crisis. Jaemin is saying is something, but when he sees Mark not listening, he elbows him. 

 

“Jeez, man.” Jaemin says, and Mark barks out a laugh, embarrassed a little at getting caught not listening. 

 

“Sorry, sorry.” 

 

“Chill, y’know. I’m not even saying anything about the deal. Why are you so fuckin’ tense?” Jaemin says, and he stirs the wasabi in his bowl of soy sauce. Mark dips his own chopsticks in his own soy sauce, and sips on the residue on his chopstick. Jaemin looks at him in disgust. “Seriously?”

 

Mark ignores him. “Well, sorry. It’s just weird that all of you aren’t as freaked out as I am. It’s like you want our relationships to go to doom.” Mark sips again on his chopstick. 

 

“Dunno about you, Mark, but my relationship is already doomed.” 

 

Something about that makes Mark uncomfortable. How easily Jaemin admits to something so life-changing. Surely the fact that you’re falling out of love with someone you thought you’d be forever with struck some heartstrings right? It’s weird. How comfortable Jaemin is with admitting the weakness in his relationship when he doesn’t like to show his own weakness, and Mark is barely trying to admit that he and Donghyuck are fucking up big time. Things like that. But maybe the reason why Jaemin is so accepting of this is because they have been falling out longer than Mark have with Donghyuck.

 

“You’re so blunt, Jaemin.” Mark chooses to point out. 

 

“Only to you.” Jaemin says dryly, almost jokingly, so Mark snorts. He picks out a sashimi, and dips it in his concoctions. “Eat, Mark. Forget about our fucked up relationship for a moment. Just a while. Then we go home and face it” 

 

Mark snorts. “Yeah. Except I can’t so you’ll have to deal with it. Did you expect to fall out of love with Jeno?” 

 

Jaemin laughs at that. “An interview? Jeez, man. And no. Or yes. I don’t know. He was all of my world, but the next thing I know he isn’t anymore, and he agrees that I’m not too. Dunno.” Mark hums. Mark doesn’t know if he’s ready to admit it yet. Mark can’t hide the sadness he feels hearing that admittance. “You? How did you even fall out with Hyuck?”

 

Mark shrugs, not wanting to delve. “Just happens.” Jaemin lifts an eyebrow at that. “Look at us now, Jaemin. We’re not even with our partners.”

 

Jaemin laughs. “We’re fucked up, huh.”

 

Mark just hums in agreement. “I don’t even know where Donghyuck is right now.”

 

Jaemin hums. “Probably with Jeno. They’re always together these days.” Mark’s silent at that. Jaemin sighs. “We’ll be alright, Mark.”

 

Mark snorts. “How do you know that?”

 

“Because life with Jeno is hell, and anything other than that is better, maybe. I’m just being optimistic.”

 

Mark doesn’t know if he likes that kind of optimism. 

 

-

 

It’s funny how quick his life and Donghyuck’s changed ever since that talk. 

 

The elephant in the room has already been addressed, and it makes things even worse than before. Mark usually texts Donghyuck out of obligation at work, but he doesn’t know. He usually says I love you to Donghyuck everyday, but they don’t even talk, so what more saying things like that to Donghyuck. It’s weird. It’s odd. How fast things change, but how still the air still is. It’s still suffocating, like Mark refusal to have any verbal talk with Donghyuck is making their already deteriorating relationship deteriorate even more, which Mark didn’t even know possible, and it feels like shit knowing that his choice of agreeing or not will decide the future of their relationship.

 

Mark’s petty. He’s petty, and he wants to say no merely because Donghyuck didn’t tell him things, and thought that it would be better to tattle off to his closest friends first rather than Mark. Mark didn’t tell anyone about their fucked up relationship. So why did Donghyuck? He even came up with a solution that he thinks is fucking brilliant when it’s stupid and is just going to fuck them up even more. But then, another reason why Mark didn’t tell anyone might be because Mark doesn’t have any fucking friends, but admitting to that is just pitiful, so Mark isn’t even going to admit to that. 

 

All week, their schedule didn’t match, so Mark doesn’t see Donghyuck at all, except if you count the way the bed dip as seeing each other. But Mark will always have his back to Donghyuck anyways, so it’s not like they even see each other. Mark make sure to wake up earlier in the morning, and Mark guesses that’s the only time he gets a good look at Donghyuck. Does Mark miss him? Not really. And that scares Mark the most. But maybe he does miss Donghyuck. There’s this everthere ache in his chest that Mark still doesn’t have the answer to. 

 

Mark doesn’t even make Donghyuck his coffee. His number one argument is that it would be too cold when Donghyuck wakes up anyways since Mark wakes up so early these days as an effort to avoid Donghyuck. But Mark’s also, once again, petty. Why must he always be the one to make the coffee anyway? It has led to this. The fucked upness of their relationship has even led to Mark being bitter about who makes the fucking coffee, and Mark feels sick at what he has become. He doesn’t want to be bitter or petty. But it just leads up to that, always, when Mark thinks of that night. The embarrassment, the feeling of being left out, the resentment at Donghyuck for bringing up personal matters at a dinner. It’s just too much at times, and Mark may or may not be egoistic.

 

They don’t even usually have dinner together, so that’s easy to avoid. Mark wakes up early, but returns earlier, and Donghyuck returns so much later. It’s like they memorise each others’ steps in this game of avoidance, and it makes Mark both relieved and sad in ways Mark can’t describe. Mark doesn’t say it, but there’s always that tinge of alcohol in the air when Donghyuck returns, and Mark feels sick hearing Donghyuck stumble around in their apartment. 

 

A lot of their routine changed. A lot of their life change. Mark hangs out with Jaemin after work at times when eating alone gets fucking embarrassing, and he sometimes stays later at the gym when he thinks Donghyuck’s coming up late, and that’s when he talks to Jeno. Jeno always, always giving him that question of  _ have you decided,  _ and Mark answering with a shrug. 

 

But it’s Friday now, and Mark doesn’t know why, but he returns early. Donghyuck is already there, and he’s at their table, salad from his favourite place on the table. Mark doesn’t know why, but he dumps his work stuff where he knows Donghyuck won’t mind, and he actually opens his socks, and not throw them away, and he’s now sitting in front of Donghyuck. He was watching a show on YouTube, that Supa Strikas show Mark knows he watches when he doesn’t want to focus. But he locks his phone when he sees Mark sitting right in front of him. 

 

Donghyuck starts it. “We’re not okay, Mark.” Mark wishes Donghyuck starts with an apology, not with the cold hard truth. Maybe with how admitting that it was wrong of him to not discuss with Mark beforehand.

 

Mark shrugs. That seems to be a habit he developed these days. Mark coughs. “Yeah you’re right, we’re not.” Silence. Mark continues. “Will we ever be?” 

 

Donghyuck sighs. “Maybe this switching partner thing will help?” 

 

Mark truly wants to punch Donghyuck. Mark sighs. “Hey. Can I be honest with you?” 

 

Donghyuck looks resigned. He shrugs. 

 

“I hate that you haven’t apologised for not talking to me beforehand about switching partners. I hate that you feel like you can turn on them--Jeno--I don’t know--more than me. I hate that out relationship turned out this way.” Mark says clearly. His cheeks feel warm. That’s what expressing yourself feels like. 

 

Donghyuck sighs. “I’m sorry for not warning you beforehand, Mark--”

 

“So you agree? This is a dangerous thing to do to our relationship? That it would’ve required warning?” Mark cuts off. He feels like shit. 

 

Donghyuck sighs. “Can we not fucking argue today?” Mark shuts up. “What’s your answer, Mark?”

 

Mark can’t help it. “You already have your own answer, Hyuck. I don’t think you need mine.” 

 

Donghyuck nods. “So this is it? A month? Or two? I guess.” 

 

“I guess.” Mark echoes. 

 

Donghyuck gets up. He gives Mark a grimace. “I’ll pack then.”

 

His salad isn’t finished yet.

 

-

 

Jaemin drinks his coffee black, just like Mark does.

 

That’s the first thing Mark remembers. He and Jaemin have lived together before, back when all four of them rented out a small ass apartment in second year just to escape dorm life that was just getting excruciating by the second with their overpriced rates and meal plans they’ve never used. It wasn’t hard to keep track of all of their coffee preferences. Mark and Jaemin take their coffee black, Donghyuck adds milk to his, and Jeno adds milk and sugar to his. 

 

The difference between now and then is that back then, Mark didn’t have to make coffee for Jaemin, and now he does. 

 

Donghyuck moved out yesterday. Well, as close as moving out gets. There are still his stuff strewn around their apartment, but he left a space in their closet for Jaemin’s clothes that Jaemin immediately unpacked yesterday when he arrived. Mark helped him unpack, and songs from Jaemin’s playlist played from Mark’s speakers, and Mark finds himself amused by how much he knows the songs in Jaemin’s playlist because they both unapologetically listen to pop, edm, indie, and everything in between. 

 

“Y’know.” Mark started out as he folded Jaemin’s second sweater. It was a hot pink one. Jaemin hummed as a reply, folding pants. “I thought this would be awkward.”

 

Jaemin laughed, leaning over Mark to take more of his stuff in the luggage he brought. Mark grunted at the body weight. “Why? We’re close, Mark. It’d be like hanging out with each other for a month straight. Now you’re making it awkward.” Jaemin returned to his spot.

 

Mark laughed. “Yeah, well. This situation. You’re basically my stand-in boyfie now.”

 

Jaemin wrinkled his nose. “Boyfie? Who says those stuff? I’m the tryhard teacher here, aren’t I?” Mark giggled at that jab at himself. “But. Yeah. But it’s kind of whatever for me--” Jaemin paused, not sure if he should continue or not, so Mark prodded. 

 

“What?”

 

Jaemin sighed. “I really need this break from Jeno.”

 

They leave it at that. 

 

It’s the morning now. Mark and Jaemin share the bed like he and Donghyuck would, but reason for merely because Mark and Donghyuck don’t have guest rooms anyways, and Mark wakes up just like he would when Donghyuck was still here, and washes up like he usually would, except he doesn’t wake Jaemin up like he would with Donghyuck. No kisses, just a small nudge at Jaemin’s hips with his finger that had Jaemin groaning into the morning, and it got Mark laughing at Jaemin which had Jaemin whining more. 

 

“Are you always like this in the morning?” Mark hollers when Jaemin is still in bed, except now with his phone in his hand squinting as he scrolls through whatever it is. Mark is fixing his tie in their huge mirror. It’s just barely one day in, and saying  _ their  _ already feels weird. It feels like they’ve already broken up. Maybe they have. Is it weird that Mark feels lighter?

 

Jaemin appears behind him in the mirror, just studying him as he fiddles with his collar. “Jeno can’t stand it anymore.” Mark coughs a little. “He said my whining is getting sort of annoying to him.” Jaemin wrinkles his nose, and then heads to the bathroom. Their bathroom is also already filled with Jaemin’s skin and body care products. He even brought three bath bombs that are now in the cupboard near the towels. None of Donghyuck’s stuffs are in the bathroom except the stocks of his shampoo. 

 

Jaemin doesn’t seem to think dropping an intimate bomb like that matters. It’s still weird to Mark. Discussing to someone about his and Donghyuck’s fucked up relationship. Which is given, really, since he doesn’t even talk to Donghyuck  _ himself  _ about this shit, so what more someone outside their relationship. Plus Mark’s just good at keeping shit to himself. It just surprises Mark that Jaemin can talk so openly about stuff like this. It feels like whiplash to Mark. When Jaemin and Jeno had been that pinnacle of relationship that Mark can finally admit he was trying to achieve with Donghyuck, only for Mark to find out that they too are on the verge of breaking apart, much like he and Donghyuck was--or is. Mark doesn’t know.

 

It makes Mark wonder if Jaemin and Jeno thought Mark and Donghyuck were perfect too. 

 

“This for me?” Jaemin asks, gesturing to the cup of coffee on the counter. Jaemin takes it before Mark replies. “Ah. Thanks, Mark.” 

 

Mark snorts behind his own cup. “You don’t have to thank me. This is gonna be an everyday routine, y’know.”

 

Jaemin gives him a look, clinking their mugs together. “I can make my own coffee, you know. And I’ll thank you everyday. I guess.”

 

“Yeah.” Mark rolls his eyes. “But we’re doing this switching partners thing, right? I make this shit for Donghyuck all the time in the morning. Except with the milk and all. So. Yeah. Don’t worry, dude.” 

 

Jaemin smiles, but then winces. “Damn. I don’t remember what I do for Jeno everyday. Except, like, argue.” 

 

There he goes again. Dropping personal details about his life with Jeno, and in all honesty Mark doesn’t know what to do, what to reply, how to act. It just feels weird to Mark that Jaemin is treating this as such a joke, and Mark has yet to joke back about his own fucked up relationship. It feels like a pingpong game except Jaemin’s the only one playing. 

 

Maybe it’s time Mark picks up his paddle. “You and Jeno fight a lot?” Mark chooses to ask. That seems safe. 

 

Jaemin shrugs, resting his weight on his elbows that are on the counter. Jaemin also doesn’t wear a shirt in the morning, Mark realises. Nor does he wear any pants. So right now, he’s just in his boxers, but hair already gelled for the day, smart and pristine, just like how any good looking teachers should be. Except Mark doesn’t think Jaemin’s students should think about how attractive Jaemin is. That’s not very ethical in any ways. Anyways. 

 

“You could say that. We’ve been fighting a lot these past months, y’know. Or year. Dunno.” Jaemin doesn’t look sombre, per say. He just looks like he’s talking about the weather. Except the weather is rain, and it makes him kind of nostalgic. Nostalgic. That’s how he looks. But that word can barely entail how Jaemin is looking. It doesn’t make sense for him to be so nostalgic when this arrangement happened merely a day ago. But Mark doesn’t exactly know what goes on in Jaemin’s mind. “It wasn’t like this before.” Jaemin laughs dryly. “I really don’t know where we went wrong.”

 

Mark doesn’t know either. Where he and Donghyuck went wrong, that is. They didn’t just wake up one day, and decide that they’re over each others’ shits. Mark wakes up everyday, and sometimes the way Donghyuck doesn’t make Mark’s coffee for him sometimes gets annoying, and sometimes Donghyuck wakes up everyday, and thinks Mark needs to be messed with at something as minor as splashing the water everywhere when he showers everyday. It’s just those things that used to be regarded as fond becoming more and more annoying. 

 

“Same.” Mark says lamely, and Jaemin snorts behind his mug. 

 

-

 

**na jaemin**

hey im not tripping right

ur office is on the 7th floor n u have ur own private office right

 

**mark lee**

???

yeah 

why 

 

**na jaemin**

cool

 

**mark lee**

???

  
  


“I’ve decided.” Jaemin announces when he enters Mark’s office. Mark stands up from his seat abruptly, surprised at the Jaemin suddenly barging in his office. 

 

“Wha--” Mark tries to ask. Jaemin has a brown paper bag Mark recognises from the Indian place Mark likes that they have went before with Donghyuck and Jeno. Donghyuck didn’t like it, so they never went back. Jaemin sets the paper bag on Mark’s desk. Mark furrows his eyebrows. “How did you get in?” 

 

“Your coworkers.” Jaemin says cheekily. “They were going out for lunch, and I was right in front. So they used their ID.” Jaemin says dismissively. “Anyways. I’ve decided. To bring you lunch. What I was saying. Before you so rudely cut me off. Thank God I remember that line. Thought of it all the way from school, ya know. This is your favourite place right? I remember that dinner we went to.” Jaemin doesn’t mention the other names. Jaemin starts taking out the food from the bag. There’s biryani and regular rice, along with chicken and fish tikka masala. Mark just sighs, glancing at his pitiful turkey sandwich at the corner of his desk. Mark sits down, and gestures for Jaemin to sit, which he does without batting an eye. 

 

“What did you say to them anyways? They don’t let anyone in easily, y’know.” Mark takes the rice Jaemin hands him. This is admittedly much better than the sad looking turkey sandwich he bought from the convenience store near his parking spot, but he’s not going to admit it to Jaemin. 

 

Jaemin shrugs. “Just said I was your boyfriend.” Mark’s eyes widen, and Jaemin notices, so he laughs. “Yes. I don’t think stand-in boyfriend is a familiar term to most people, don’t you think?”

 

They eat in silence for a second. Jaemin prodding at Mark’s chicken, and Mark poking at Jaemin’s fish. They’ve went to this place before with Jeno and Donghyuck. It was a typical night out, and that night Mark was craving for Indian, and somehow he managed to convince the other three to bail on their planned Italian night to this Indian place. He and Donghyuck haven’t really fell out at that time, still very much in love, but perhaps a little subdued. 

 

“Donghyuck has never gone here before.” Mark chooses to say into the silence. Jaemin, currently on his way to shove rice in his mouth, looks at Mark in surprise. Mark continues. Maybe he’s touched by this. He feels the need to give Jaemin something in return of this thoughtful, yet somehow probably a very random decision. No one has ever really delivered food in his office. Not that anyone needs to. Mark goes out to buy food sometimes. Sometimes he joins his coworkers. Today was just an off day. 

 

Reason? Mark really doesn’t know. All Mark knows is that he felt the need to isolate himself from everyone, so he got the turkey sandwich before someone could even drag him out. All Mark can say is that he feels empty in a way that’s inexplicable. Like something had been ripped out of his chest and he’s left feeling hollow. But Jaemin decided to waltz in with fucking Indian food from Mark’s favourite place, and maybe Mark is touched. Maybe the hollow in his chest is slowly filled in with God knows what. 

 

Maybe Mark misses Donghyuck. Or Mark misses affections. Mark doesn’t really know. Donghyuck doesn’t really give Mark affections. Mark doesn’t know what he’s missing right now. 

 

“Oh.” Jaemin says to Mark’s statement. He’s sort of doing this weird thing where he’s sipping on the tikka masala sauce with his spoon. Mark sort of can’t take him seriously like this. 

 

“Fuck, that’s so weird dude.” Mark laughs, shoving Jaemin’s shoulder a little, and Jaemin laughs, stopping his weird sipping. “But. Uh. Yeah. He has never been here. We don’t go on dates anymore except when it’s with you guys, and we eat dinner separately, and we do things separately.” Mark winces. “Is that a huge bomb? Sorry.” 

 

Jaemin grins, and he kicks at Mark’s feet. “Nah. That’s a great bomb to drop. Do you feel better?”  

 

Mark feels frozen for a second, not knowing how to answer to a question like that. It sounds genuine. Not like one of those questions Donghyuck ask Mark, where he sarcastically asks Mark if it makes him feel better that Donghyuck is miserable. It’s a genuine one. Wanting to know if Mark feels truly better after actually expressing his feelings like a normal human being. For the first time that morning, Mark feels sure. “Uh.” He doesn’t sound sure. “Hm. Yeah. I feel better.” 

 

Jaemin smiles, like he’s proud of Mark, and that makes Mark feel the need to look down, almost embarrassed.. Expressing feelings like a normal fucking human being instead of always bottling it in shouldn’t be praised. But maybe if it’s Mark, connoisseur of keeping things bottled up, small achievements like this should be praised. Jaemin doesn’t say anything after, and Mark likes that about Jaemin. Mark likes that he doesn’t make a big deal out of big things, but likes to make a big deal about a small thing. Mark likes that he says shits about his relationship, or lack thereof, with Jeno, but doesn’t talk about his own struggles. Jaemin is just this weird paradox, and Mark admittedly finds himself comparing Jaemin to Donghyuck. Mark doesn’t know if it’s the right thing to do or not, but his brain is fucked up, and Mark has learnt to accept that. 

 

“If it makes you feel better, Jeno hangs out with Donghyuck more during lunch than he does with me even though our workplace is kinda near.” Jaemin offers.

 

Mark laughs. “That sounds so fucking miserable and backwards, dude.” 

 

“That’s what we are, aren’t we?” Jaemin laughs, and Mark shrugs, agreeing while he also laughs. Maybe it’s something to accept. That Donghyuck and Jeno are closer than Jaemin is to either of them. That kind of makes Mark feel bad about Jaemin, though. “And if you’re wondering.” Mark’s starting to think that Jaemin reads minds. “I sometimes feel left out. Sometimes don’t. Have grown to accept that they’re both really close. Too close? Dunno.” 

 

“Too close, huh?” Mark asks. 

 

Jaemin shrugs, and he makes eye contact with Mark. “Yeah. And at this point I don’t care that they are.”

 

With that, Mark kind of falls back to square one. Unsure, tied down to Donghyuck, with this weird game of not knowing how he feels about Donghyuck. And how he feels about everything. But Jaemin’s still there, albeit feeling so resolved and confident it makes Mark feel more lost. 

 

-

 

In bed one night, both of them talk about college. 

 

“When did you fall for Jeno?”    
  
Jaemin wrinkles his nose. “Why do we keep talking about them, man. They probably don’t talk about us.” He’s looking up at the ceiling. There’s a small space in between them, and they place a pillow there, and Mark’s hugging that pillow right now. 

 

Mark only snorts. “Dunno. When I look at you, I think of our fucked up relationships. So. Given, really. Give it a week. I’ll get tired of it by then.” Mark’s not too sure about that, though. 

 

Jaemin’s still looking up. It’s sort of weird, now that Mark thinks of it. Jaemin cooked that night since he got off early, and walking in to an apartment that’s full of home-cooked smell feels weird but pleasant. Mark washed dishes and mopped the floor after dinner, while Jaemin watched TV, and when Mark was done, they both went to the bedroom to have a shower, separately, and when they finished, they went straight to bed, without even saying anything. Maybe both of their days were rough, but it’s a Friday, so talks about going out or playing video games, or watching a movie should be there. But that didn’t happen, and here they are. In bed. 

 

“Hmm. I met Jeno in first year too, right?” Mark hums, so Jaemin continues. “Uhhh. Dunno. He’s always been handsome. Of course the attraction is there. I’ve had a crush on him since the first time I saw him. We spent so much time together in college. It just feels natural that we got together. I dunno how--” Jaemin cuts himself off. He turns to Mark, and they’re both just silent. Contemplative. There’s the silent question again. The silent question of where exactly they went wrong, and if there’s an answer to that, Mark would like to know. “How about you, Mark? How did you start liking Donghyuck? Was it immediate?” 

 

Mark is silent for a second. How he started liking Donghyuck is easy, but it wasn’t immediate. In fact, it wasn’t even from the very beginning. In fact, it started with Jaemin. Mark is hit with this sudden wave of  _ something,  _ now that he thinks of it. This particular memory has always been here, but it’s not the first thing he thinks of when he looks at Jaemin. It’s a memory that’s tucked away, not pleasant, but not bad either. Mark’s not embarrassed, per say, but it makes Mark feel a bit weird, but not really, since it happened so fucking long ago. College was ages ago. Mark keeps reminding himself this. They’re nothing like they are now. In fact, their relationship can testify to that. Just like how Mark in college is not the working Mark now, their flourishing relationship back then, isn’t really flourishing now. Anyways. It makes Mark feel weird. That in order for Mark to like Donghyuck back then, he had to like Jaemin first.

 

Ah, yeah. 

 

There it is. 

 

Mark used to have a crush on Jaemin, and that’s that. But Mark saw that  _ something  _ between Jaemin and Jeno, and steered clear, and Donghyuck was there. He was beautiful, and always had witty banters at the tip of his tongue, and knew just the right thing to say, and when he was too close, Mark feels like suffocating, and his lips were kissable. But Jaemin was like that at some point to Mark. Back when they were in the same club, when Jaemin whispered something Mark’s ears, his ears burn, and his insides felt warm. When their thighs touched, Mark wanted more. But that was stopped quickly by Jeno, and Mark had never thought of it again. Well. moped for a week, and then developed a crush on Donghyuck, and  _ finally,  _ never thought of Jaemin in that way again. Jaemin never found out about the crush. 

 

Looking at Jaemin right now reminds Mark of that crush. Jaemin has lashes so long they could rival a pretty girl’s. He has soft spoken voice, and he knows just the right thing to say. He has soft hair, and Mark is reminded again in college days when his hair used to be all sorts of colour, and he miraculously pulled it off. He has pretty nose, and pretty lips, and pretty eyes, and Mark isn’t relapsing. He’s just admiring. Merely because Jaemin is so close, and he’s so close that Mark can touch him. Should Mark tell him about the crush?   

 

Mark picks at Jaemin’s hair. “Why don’t you dye your hair again these days?”

 

Jaemin lets out a little noise. He touches his hair, and his fingers are so close to Mark’s. His fingers are pretty too. “You think school would let teachers with blue hair, Mark? And I’m like. Old.” 

 

Mark snorts. He still has his fingers in Jaemin’s hair. Now caressing it. “What? Like there’s a statue of limitation for dyeing your hair? C’mon, Jaemin. And I’m sure your school won’t mind, like, baby pink, ya know.” 

 

Jaemin has his eyes closed now, a soft smile on his lips, looking almost content. “Jeno doesn’t like my pink hair.” 

 

“Your hair isn’t Jeno’s.” Mark blurts out easily.

 

Jaemin barks out a laugh. “You bitch.” 

 

Mark just shrugs, grinning. “I liked it when your hair was that ashy blue. ‘Twas cool.”

 

“I liked my purple hair.”

 

“I liked that, too.” 

 

“And the teal one.” 

 

“Hey, did you know that I used to like you?” Mark blurts out. Mark doesn’t know if this feeling in his chest is regret or what. Jaemin snaps his eyes opened. Mark doesn’t feel embarrassed, though. It’s that constant reminder that college was forever ago. Feelings that mattered in college don’t matter now, like how one fail in a test doesn’t mean doom for Mark’s future. Look at him now. And maybe it’s the ambience. They’re all wrapped up in bed. Close and intimate like nothing else matters. It gives Mark a sense of security. 

 

Jaemin snaps his eyes open and blinks at him. “Are you, like, joking?”   
  
Mark barks out a laugh. “What the fuck? No? It was just a stupid crush, y’know.” There’s this nagging reminder that Mark kinda moped around when he noticed something between Jeno and Jaemin. Maybe it’s regrets. “Just a random one. You were good looking, dude. You know that.”

 

“Excuse me?  _ Were?”  _ Mark belatedly realises his fingers are still in Jaemin’s hair. He stops awkwardly, and Jaemin whines. “Hey! Don’t stop that.” Mark continues. 

 

“What do you want me to fucking say?”    
  
“That I’m still good looking now? Even when I’m old?” Jaemin replies like it’s given.

 

Mark rolls his eyes. “Stop saying you’re old. You’re not dumbass.” 

 

Jaemin laughs. “So am I still good looking?”   
  


Mark only rolls his eyes, not wanting to give Jaemin the satisfaction of saying it out loud. Saying it out loud would practically mean defeat. Jaemin knows he’s good looking. He knows he’s good looking, but acts bashful to the people he’s not close with, but depends on close friends to boost his ego. He knows he’s good looking, but sometimes gets into the mood where he’s suddenly insecure, and he depends on compliments when things get like that. Jaemin’s always this weird paradox. Everchanging, never still.  Maybe it’s one of those times. So Mark succumbs. 

 

“You are. You’re good looking. You know you are, though, right?” Mark says, adding that last part to make it seem light. 

 

Jaemin laughs again. Mark thinks he looks better laughing. “Thanks.” Mark hums. He closes his eyes. His fingers are still in Jaemin’s hair. It’s still soft. “And congrats. We spent a good chunk of time not talking about them.”

 

Congrats indeed. 

  
  
  



	2. if i don't have you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song title is from if i don't have you by rheehab. so is the song mentioned in this chapter.
> 
> i hope you enjoy this update!! ;; please be nice ;;
> 
> warning: unbeta'ed, as usual.

This is a strange thought to have, but Jaemin feels a whole lot like college. 

 

Jaemin wasn’t like he was when he was in college. So fucking different, and Mark can list out tons of things that makes him different from how he was back then. One, his hair. Hair for Jaemin must’ve been some sort of self-expression, which Mark didn’t appreciate much in college, and now that Jaemin has stupid, basic ass bitch colours for hair, Mark missed his coloured hair. Two, Jaemin wasn’t as talkative as he was back then. Jaemin was everchanging, a constant paradox, now Mark thinks of it. Back in college, he didn’t like to talk in class, but always blabbed with his closest friends, and now he’s a teacher who practically has to speak in front of everyone everyday, while at home Jaemin is a whole lot quiet. Not quiet per say. Just a bit more subdued than Mark remembered him to be in college. 

 

So, yeah. Not that Jaemin hasn’t changed at all since college. It’s just that Jaemin reminds Mark of college.

 

Mark’s college life wasn’t that great. Nothing to brag home about, but there was just something so dear about it. Maybe it’s because college was where Mark met Donghyuck, and back then at least, Donghyuck was kind of everything to Mark, which sounds weirdly dependant now that Mark thinks of it, but. Yeah. Mark doesn’t really have any arguments. He wonders if the reason he and Donghyuck fell apart was because Mark grew less and less dependant on him, but that’s another thought for another day, honestly. Anyways. It might’ve been Donghyuck that made Mark’s life in college seem so brighter than it is now, but not really. 

 

College was just, as stupid as it sounds, youthful. 

 

It was the perfect embodiment of youth. College made Mark feel youthful in ways that Mark couldn’t re-feel again when he started falling out with Donghyuck. Driving to the gas station with Donghyuck in the passenger while Jaemin and Jeno at the back making out and doing whatever the fuck was just something. Something as simple as a grocery run with Jaemin was nice, and even though college was just running off to class and eyes glued to their laptops.. there was just something about it. Something so nice about movie nights at their cramped small apartment back then, and something so pleasant about eating cheap pizza. Mark’s stupid, though, so he can’t put any proper words for it.

 

Anyways. 

 

Jaemin feels like college. Strange and enigmatic, and something Mark can’t explain. 

 

It’s only been a week, but the burden he felt when he was with Donghyuck is slowly dissipating, still there, always there, and he’s not sure if it’s because of Jaemin, or the fact that Donghyuck’s gone, or both factors accumulating to form this huge mess that is a nostalgic Mark. Mark’s looking at Jaemin, and Mark feels fucking light, in ways Mark can’t describe, and fathom. It’s wieird.. Maybe it’s just this coffee. Jaemin’s looking at him, blinking curiously. 

 

“You okay, dude?” Jaemin asks. He’s currently cracking an egg into a pan. It’s scratched a little when it’s supposed to be a nonstick pan. Mark remembers that one time Mark used a metal spatula on it, and got that scratch and Donghyuck got angry at him, which was, well, given, but it made Mark angry that Donghyuck was angry at him. They were fucked up like that. 

 

Mark hums. “Just thinking.” 

 

Jaemin cracks another egg, and the pan sizzles. Jaemin hisses for a moment, not liking how oil is splattering since the heat is too much. He takes a cursory glance at Mark. “You’re always thinking. Chill out for a moment.” The egg is cooking nicely. Here’s another thing that changed. Jaemin cooks for breakfast now. Jaemin has some sort of hero and guilt complex that he can’t accept Mark’s coffee for him every morning, so he cooks breakfast for Mark when he comes. They just happened to wake up early today, so Jaemin’s cooking. Jaemin glances again at Mark, and when he sees that Mark’s eyebrows are still pinches together, he puts a finger between it, making Mark scrunch his nose. “Seriously, stop. It’s even making  _ me _ stressed. Jeez.”

 

“Alright, alright,” Mark laughs, and Jaemin rolls his eyes jokingly. “Sorry.” Mark says when Jaemin lays out their breakfast on the island. “You don’t have to do this, y’know.”

 

Jaemin snorts. “Now look who’s making a big deal out of things?” It’s a rhetorical question. Mark still raises his hand as a joke. It makes Jaemin’s laugh, and he looks funny because he has rice full in his mouth, and some rice escaped out of his lips. “Chill, really.”

 

“Sorry.”  

Jaemin snorts at that. “Do you always apologise for useless things?”

 

It makes Mark think. He swallows his food first. “Maybe. Can’t stand knowing that I might hurt or burden someone. That type of thing, y’know?” Mark can’t resist, and maybe he’s mean. “I mean, how I was built around Donghyuck, y’know.” Okay, mean. It’s not like he didn’t hurt Donghyuck too. Jeez, mouth. 

 

“Oh, man, congrats,” Jaemin laughs. “You just made a joke about your fucked up relationship!”

 

“Oh, fuck you.” Mark laughs, and he feels light. In ways he can’t explain, again and again. Unexplainable.

 

They put their dishes on the sink after scraping away the residue in the trash. They usually wash dishes after work, because mornings are chill, and shouldn’t be reserved for doing something as liberating as washing dishes. What Jaemin said, not Mark. They go down the elevator to their basement together, another routine that makes a difference than it was from when Mark was with Donghyuck. It makes Mark wonder how Jaemin’s routine was when he was with Jeno, or more accurately; when they were still in love, when things were still new, exciting. Did they eat breakfast together like Mark and Jaemin just did? Did they kiss every morning? How did they wake up? Did Jaemin roll over to Jeno, and kiss him breathless? Did they shower together? How frequently did they f--

 

Okay, it’s getting too weird even for Mark’s fucked up brain. Thinking about your friends’ sex slash love life shouldn’t ever cross Mark’s mind. Mark asks a question, though, just as they exit the apartment. Oh, another thing. Mark uses ‘the’ now for everything in the apartment. It’s just weird. It’s still his and Donghyuck’s apartment, but it’s not really. It’s weird, and Mark’s tired. Here’s that question, though: “How was your morning when you were with Jeno?”   
  


Jaemin scrunches his eyebrows as they wait outside the elevator. He’s wearing a light blue long-sleeved dress shirt, hair gelled, and slacks black, looking immaculate, like any responsible teacher should be. “Were? I’m still with Jeno, aren’t I?” Mark shrugs at that, honestly not knowing the answer too. His own relationship is in shambles too. Jaemin’s own question makes Jaemin himself thinks, and now there’s a crease in between his brows. Mark flicks lightly on it. Jaemin scrunches his nose at the pain. “Right, sorry. Uhh. Right. Depends. When we were still stupid in love, or when we fell out?”

 

Mark shuffles awkwardly on his feet. “When you were in love? But you can sneak in how it was when you guys fell out of love if we have time.” The elevator is finally here, and they both step in.

 

Jaemin starts it, glancing frequently at the elevator going down. “Hm. Jeno wakes me up. He used to kiss me sometimes, and he would complain about my morning breath which is  _ stupid,  _ because he was the one who kissed me first. Sometimes, he would kick me so that I’ll wake up. I was the only one who set my alarms, but Jeno was the one who snoozed it. Uhhh, and for breakfast, it depends. Sometimes we stop by some breakfast shops, and sometimes I boiled three quarters eggs.” Jaemin scrunches his nose at that, and glances at Mark, smiling slightly. Mark doesn’t know for sure, but he looks kind of sad. Mark feels regret pooling in his stomach. The elevator dings, signaling that they’ve arrived at the basement, where their cars are. “Jeno didn’t like those eggs.”

 

Mark guesses their conversation stops there, so he stays quiet, mumbling a soft  _ oh  _ to not feel awkward. He goes over to his car, while Jaemin heads to his. Jaemin’s own car is parked next to his. Mark is just unlocking his car, when Jaemin calls out his name. Mark raises his head a little. 

 

“Wanna know how it was when we fell out of love?” 

 

Mark glances at his watch, feeling uncomfortable in ways he can’t fathom. “It’s kinda late already.”

 

Jaemin smiles, a bit embarrassed, but he holds on. “I’ll be quick! It was bad. It was nothing like how it had been back then.” Mark stays rooted on his spot, frozen in ways he can’t describe. There’s something uncomfortable about knowing that there was a time when Jaemin and Jeno were so in love, and suddenly everything turned to shit. There’s something about it that makes Mark feel so...weird. Scared, in a way. 

 

Mark gets a grip. He enters his car, and mutedly turns on the engine of his car. Mark drives off after setting up his playlist, and waving back at Jaemin who drives off first. Mark slumps a little in his seat, staring off. His neighbour passes his car, and Mark waves at her as she does, and she returns the wave with her own, and a warm smile. An act of kindness like that would usually make Mark warm, and ready to face the day. But Jaemin’s answer earlier just shook Mark in ways he literally can’t comprehend. 

 

Mark drives off, thoughts loud, his playlist louder. 

 

_ Yeah, there are times I’m sad. _

_ I have to get used to you being gone. _

_ There were times it hurt too much. _

_ You turned your back even though you knew. _

-

 

Nights after dinner with Jaemin either ends with them passing out in bed, or them out in the living room with game consoles in their hands, or it’s a movie or drama playing on the screen while they mindlessly watch it while being on their phone. This is stupid, but Mark saw the other day that Jaemin has other twitter accounts that Mark doesn’t follow. His timeline looks like it’s all anime or k-pop. Mark’s pretty sure that Jaemin doesn’t want him to know that though, so Mark stays silent. Anyways. While routine with Jaemin after dinner is inconsistent, dinner is always there. 

 

Mark doesn’t know when this became a thing between them, but ever since Jaemin kind of moved in, they’ve taken the liberty to having dinner together everyday. Having dinner is a thing, but what  _ exactly  _ is dinner is another thing. Sometimes it’s buying takeouts over texts  _ (do we cook today?  _ idk kinda craving for that chinese place across ur apartment block tho  _ oh niceee me too tbh lol i’ll swing by after work  _ thanks :D), sometimes it’s ordering delivery when they’re both home, and sometimes it’s cooking. 

 

Tonight, it’s cooking. Jaemin got home later than Mark today, so Mark made a head start and cooked rice first. 

 

“Hi!! Sorry late,” Jaemin hollers when he opens the door to the apartment. He heads off to their bedroom after waving at Mark, and Mark absentmindedly plays his playlist, humming along as he washes the chicken. Jaemin returns after, having changed out from his work attire into his sweatpants and t-shirt that displays their old university name along with their graduating year. Jaemin bumps his hips against Mark as another greeting. 

 

“What are we cooking today?” 

 

Mark shrugs. He gestures to the lady fingers at the side. “You can cook that one while I do the chicken.” So they divided the work, and got started. Jaemin washes the ladyfingers in the other sink, and Mark begins to season the chicken. The kitchen is quiet, except for the sounds of them getting their food ready, and Mark’s playlist slowly filtering through the speakers. 

 

“Your song is so fucking sad, Mark,” Jaemin says into the silence, and Mark barks out a laugh. 

 

“Shit, it is, isn’t it?” Mark says in realisation, and Jaemin snorts. “I’m not sad, though.” 

 

_ Don’t let go of my hand, don’t let go. _

_ If things go on like this and you really leave… _

“You sure? You have been pretty down lately.” Jaemin points out. It’s meant to be an offhand comment, a simple observation from someone close to Mark, who’s currently living with him. But it makes Mark feel kind of uncomfortable. He feels like he’s transparent, and his emotions can be read. There’s just something so inferior about people knowing how he feels. At the thought of wanting to hide, but seen right through. 

 

Mark swallows the lump in his throat. “Nah. I’m really not. Life’s gotten kind of better.” The indication of that is left unsaid. “That’s how it’s always is, y’know. Life has gotten pretty mundane. I’m not sad, just bored.” 

 

Jaemin shrugs. “Guess you’re right. Life doesn’t have to be  _ so  _ mundane, though, right? Cooking like this can be something to enjoy too, if you get me.” 

 

Mark does get it, as strange as it gets. Cooking like this does make Mark feel lighter in ways he won’t be able to explain. It’s a new thing, cooking that is. He didn’t cook often when he was with Donghyuck, so maybe that’s why this new routine with Jaemin feels some sort of nice. It’s new, fresh, and nothing Mark has ever experienced. Maybe Donghyuck was right. Maybe this break was needed. Mark wonders what Jaemin thinks of the whole switching thing so far, but he really doesn’t want to bring it up. There’s always this tension whenever Mark brings up  _ them,  _ and Mark doesn’t want to be _ that  _ person today. So Mark switches the topic. 

 

“How was your day today?” Mark asks conversationally. 

 

Jaemin bounces a little at his feet. “Oh! Was pretty good actually. My students behaved, which was like, once in a lifetime thing.”

 

Mark grins at that. “Nice. You know, it’s still a surprise that you decided to be a teacher.”

 

Jaemin snorts at that. “What? Why? I’m good with kids, y’know.” Of course. Of course, Mark knows. He is good with kids. In fact, he’s good with everyone. There’s just something about Jaemin. Always so reserved and cool that when you first meet him, you want to know more. He’s intriguing, friendly, and nice. Or at least that’s how it was when Mark first met Jaemin. 

 

“Yes, I know that,” Mark teases. “You just didn’t like talking in front of a huge crowds, y’know? I know you’re a good teacher, Jaemin.” 

 

“Oh, yeah, guess you’re right.” Jaemin muses. “But kids are, like, kids. They’re pretty cool and simple minded. Always curious, and their minds can be changed still. And they compliment me often.”

 

Mark laughs at that. “Shallow!” 

 

Jaemin bumps his fist against Mark’s shoulder, laying out the ladyfingers into a bowl. “What? Getting compliments everyday is nice, y’know.”

 

“No doubt,” Mark says dryly, and Jaemin cackles. 

 

Mark is almost done with the chicken, and Jaemin puts the already cooked rice into two bowls, one for Mark, and another for Jaemin. “You don’t get compliments everyday, Mark?” 

 

Mark laughs. “Why should I? Isn’t it weird to get compliments everyday, though. You wouldn’t know what to say.” 

 

Jaemin snorts. He puts the bowls on the island counter, and he stares at Mark as Mark finishes cooking the chicken. “I’ll compliment you everyday, if you’d like.”

 

Mark curses as sets the chicken down. “Jesus, Jaemin. Don’t, seriously.” 

 

“We’ll see.” Jaemin says teasingly. “By the way, isn’t ladyfingers such a weird fucking name? Jeez.” 

 

Jeeeeez. “Let’s just eat, dude.” 

 

-

 

After dinner, they’re in front of the TV. The TV in the apartment actually has cables, unlike Jeno and Jaemin’s, but they, as in Donghyuck and Mark barely used it anyways since there’s also wireless TV in it. So now, Mark and Jaemin are just rewatching Haikyuu!! on the TV, per Jaemin’s suggestion. It makes Mark wonder if Jaemin’s secret twitter is about this anime. 

 

Jaemin is laying down on the sofa, his head close to Mark’s thigh, and Mark has this unexplainable urge to touch his hair, so Mark does. He looks soft under the dim lights, with a blanket draped over him that he took after he suggested a Haikyuu!! marathon in the living room. Jaemin looks up slightly, to see if Mark is paying attention to the anime, which Mark is because apparently a bunch of highschool boys being overly obsessed with volleyball is interesting. He returns his eyes on the screen after he’s satisfied. “I like Kageyama and Tsukishima together.”

 

Mark scrunches his eyebrows. “What, you, like, ship them?” 

 

Jaemin cackles. “Oh, hey, you are up to date with lingos!” 

 

Mark pulls at Jaemin’s hair out of spite, and Jaemin lets out a little scream. “Fuck you. I’m a year older than you, Jaemin, not fucking ancient.”

 

Jaemin laughs at that. “Sorry.” He lifts his body up a little, and now his head is rested on Mark’s thigh. His head is warm. Weird thought, but it is. It’s easier for Mark to touch his hair now. Also weird thought. “But, yeah. I like them together. They kinda hate each other’s guts but I’d like to imagine that it’s in that  _ you’re hot, I wanna date you  _ kinda way, y’know? And like, their relationship actually progresses towards the season and that makes everything better. For me. I’m the only one gaining things from this.”

 

Mark runs his fingers through Jaemin’s hair again. “That’s a nice thought, if you, like, forget that they’re highschoolers.” 

 

Jaemin laughs, and pinches Mark’s thighs. “You’re the weirdo here! There was nothing sexual about what I said, stupid.” 

 

Mark laughs, relenting. “You’re right. They do look good together. I think people are more likely to ship Hinata and Kageyama, though right? And Yamaguchi and Tsukishima, I’m guessing?” 

 

Jaemin snorts. “Nice analyse there. And, yeah. I’m the lone wolf in my fake ship.” 

 

“They’re not fake.” Mark interjects. He’s softly caressing Jaemin’s sideburns now. “They’re, like, good.” Jaemin barks a big laugh at that. “Okay, stupid, sorry. Huh. Dunno how else to say it, but, like, valid, y’know.”

 

“Valid, y’know.” Jaemin laughs out loud. “Thanks for enabling me. I feel stupid sometimes how things like this still make me happy.”

 

Mark snorts. “You have such a weird age complex, dude. It’s okay to enjoy things, y’know. And if it makes you feel better, I’m gonna be another wolf in your ship. You’re not alone. There.” 

 

Jaemin laughs hard at that. “Damn, Mark. Thanks.” Jaemin moves around a little to take his phone. When he gets it, he opens his camera roll, and Mark sees a folder with just Tsukishima and Kageyama. Mark can’t help but laugh. “They’re really cute, y’know. So grateful for fan artists, really. Wanna see?” 

 

Mark does wanna see. Mark thinks there’s something so liberating about seeing Jaemin so excited over something he finds joy in. So he does. “Yeah.”

 

“Them during work.” A swipe. “And after work. Cute, right?”

 

“Mhmm.” 

 

-

 

Mark hasn’t talked to Jeno nor Donghyuck ever since the new arrangement. Mark sees the occasional updates in Jeno and Donghyuck’s Instagram, but other than that, they don’t talk, nor text. Which is probably why it comes as such a surprise that when he joined his coworkers out for lunch, it feels like his breath had been taken away from him when he saw Donghyuck and Jeno together.

 

They’re in the same restaurant. They’re both huddled over the menu, very unnecessarily close in Mark’s opinion, but honestly who the fuck is Mark anymore. Mark would drag all his coworkers out if he could, but he heard that Taehyun had apparently made an earlier reservation, so causing a hassle when it’s only Mark who was affected isn’t really a thing Mark wants to do, so he braces himself. Sitting as far away from them as possible, and a seat where he could not see them together, because it would just make Mark’s head explode. 

 

Mark entertains the thought of texting Jaemin. Then decides, fuck it, and does. 

 

**mark lee**

theres hyuck and jeno in this restaurant im in w my coworkers

 

**na jaemin**

lmfaooooo 

say hi to them 

 

**mark lee**

fuck youuuuuuu

 

**na jaemin**

lolol couldve been avoided if u ate lunch w me

 

**mark lee**

one time i decide to socialise this is what i get

 

**na jaemin**

lol god b like

 

**mark lee**

[crying emojis]

 

**na jaemin**

r u ok tho? 

 

**mark lee**

idk heart kinda hurts

 

**na jaemin**

oh mark :(

 

**mark lee**

whatever i’ll get over it

 

**na jaemin**

we’ll talk later

 

“Mark!” His coworker, Mina, says loudly. Is it loud? Or is Mark just freaking out right now, thinking about how it’ll be if Jeno or Donghyuck looks over, and sees Mark? Mark doesn’t know. He’s kind of hyperventilating. “What are you ordering?” 

 

“Huh.” Mark takes the menu, and points at the first meal he sees that looks decent. He turns to look at the waiter. “This one, please.” 

 

His coworkers are unfortunately rowdy. There’s twelve of them out today, so at this point, if Donghyuck or Jeno noticed Mark there, Mark isn’t even surprised. He’s just wondering what they’re going to do with that information. Are they going to greet Mark? Act like Mark isn’t there? Or just..walk away. Mark doesn’t know which one hurts him the most. 

 

“Hey, Mark!” His coworker, Soobin, calls out. He’s sitting across him. “Your boyfriend is  _ reaaaally  _ good looking.” Mark’s first thought is to panic. Was that a jab? How did they know that his boyfriend is--was Donghyuck, and is he teasing Mark about the fact that his good looking boyfriend is sitting with another beautiful boy instead of him? But then his body calmed down, and  _ finally  _ realised that he’s talking about Jaemin. Right. Stand-in boyfie. 

 

“Oh. Hahaha. I guess.” Mark scratches at his nape. A bad habit he has since forever when he gets shy. He smiles sheepishly. “Sorry you guys had to use your ID the other day. He didn’t text me he was coming.”

 

“Nooo, it’s okay. He’s a pleasant person. How long have you two known each other?” Mina interjects now, a genuine smile on her face. He’s sitting next to Mark, and seeing a smile so genuine like that up close makes Mark feel uncomfortable. He shifts a little. 

 

“Since college. Since first year.”

 

“Aw, that’s cute, so you got together in college?” Mina looks so genuinely touched by the story that Mark feels so  _ bad.  _ About himself, or that he’s lying, or the fact that the person that used to be the love of his life that he met in college first year is sitting mere seats away from him, and a lot has changed. Mark feels chokes up in ways he doesn’t want to admit at all.

 

“Something like that.” Mark smiles gently. He and Jaemin did meet in college. That getting together part. A little rough. Mark can’t bring it in him to not feel sad. 

 

“Damn. You two have been together for so long, then.” Mark just smiles at that. Mark feels bitter inside, though. Soobin asks the next question. “Where does he work?”

 

Mark smiles. Jaemin’s work is something even Mark’s proud about, so it’s easy to talk. “He’s a teacher. At the elementary school.”

 

“Cute. No wonder he looks so pleasant and nice.” Soobin says.

 

“That he is.” Mark smiles. 

 

It’s pleasant like this. When the talk is just on Jaemin, and not on their kind of fake relationship. Jaemin is easy to praise when he’s not here to hear it, so the praises can’t toot Jaemin’s horn. Mark imagines if Jaemin were to be here, he would get along with all his coworkers. Of course he will. He always does. Even that small interaction before seemed to have left an impression on his coworkers so what more a full on lunch with them. Mark wonders if there will come a day where his coworkers will meet Jaemin properly, and if he did, as what. Mark’s thinking again. It’s making his head hurt. 

 

Their food arrive, and small talks are done here and there, about work, random family updates, and complaints about their boss, although it’s always masked with a  _ though he’s nice,  _ because Mark is their supervisor, and could snitch if he could, but honestly why would he when his team does work properly and adequately, so if it does come at the cost of some complaining, then who cares? That type of thing. 

 

Mark is just finishing up his food when Donghyuck and Jeno pass by their table. Donghyuck’s eyes meet Mark’s. Mark doesn’t know what he expected to feel, really. Longing? Hurt? Maybe. But Mark surprises himself by feeling, well, nothing. He feels empty, like all his emotions for Donghyuck had been sucked dry, and he’s left with nothing else except for sadness and longing for those emotions. Not sadness and longing at Donghyuck, but just the emotions. He misses the strong feelings he had for Donghyuck. He misses the fact that Donghyuck used to be Mark’s everything, and now he’s not. Mark’s just...hurt. At this situation. At himself. At Donghyuck? Partly.

 

Donghyuck doesn’t say anything, but his hand shoots up as a small greeting, and Jeno grins, and says: “Mark!” and Mark just wave back awkwardly. He looks down after they pass. Mina asks the question. 

 

“You know them?” 

 

Mark swallows the lump in his throat. 

 

“Kinda. Old friends.”

 

-

 

Mark hears the door to the apartment being punched in, and the door to the apartment opens, and Mark is on the sofa just staring at the TV playing cable for the first time in a while, although Mark isn’t focused. 

 

“Hey, Mark? You didn’t answer my text, so I just bought pizza for dinner since I was too lazy to cook, so I hope you’re not cooking anything.” Jaemin makes a confused noise, and Mark guesses he must’ve expected Mark to be at the kitchen. Jaemin then turns to look at the living room, and seeing the TV on, he walks over to the couch. He sees Mark. Mark closes his eyes. 

 

“You okay, Mark?” Jaemin asks. Jaemin pokes at Mark’s waist. Mark ignores it, opening his eyes. He’s moody, and stupid, and his throat is constricted from this need to cry for no particular reason. “Hey. You alright?” Jaemin is now sitting on the sofa. At Mark’s feet, and he’s softly patting Mark’s thigh. “Are you sick or something? We can go to the hospital, if you’d like. Or you’re hungry.” He places the two boxes of pizza on the coffee table. “Mar--”

 

“God, just, shut up, Jaemin, please. It’s been a bad day and I don’t need you making it worse” Jaemin’s hand stops patting at Mark’s thigh. Mark feels his blood freeze, not believing that he just lashed out on someone who’s just fucking  _ caring  _ for Mark. Mark’s stupid. His face feels warm. They’re in a weird position. With Jaemin on the ends of Mark’s feet, and Mark still laying down. Mark feels stupid. “Just. Let me be.” 

 

Jaemin looks lost. Embarrassed almost, and Mark understands. What Mark doesn’t understand is how he’s fucking up everything good in his life. Was his relationship with Donghyuck his own fuck up too? And, ah, fuck Donghyuck. The reason why he’s this affected, anyways. 

 

Jaemin gets up. He looks down at Mark, eyes cold. “Okay. Get your shit together. I’ll stay the fuck away. No wonder he left you.” He takes one pizza box, and enters the bedroom. 

 

Mark’s heart feels like it’s been stepped on, and honestly it might as well have been. Mark hears the door locks. Mark stays there, heart numb, feet cold. He sits up in the sofa, running his fingers through his hair frustratedly. Mark only takes one pizza, and bites on it. It’s cold. Jaemin likes hot pizza. He didn’t get out for the rest of the night, though.

 

-

 

**mark lee**

you’re having lunch with me today and i’m picking you up

 

**na jaemin**

fuck u

 

**mark lee**

please

 

**na jaemin**

just text me when you’re here

  
  


The morning after the fight was awkward. They’ve already established a routine. It was an easy and pleasant one, and Mark managed to fuck it up, and honestly, Mark gets it. Why Jaemin was angry, and how stupid Mark was to lash out on someone just trying to pick him back up. Mark’s starting to think that it’s him. He’s the fuck-up in his life, and it just sucks.

 

Mark woke Jaemin up, and Jaemin shot out of bed immediately, not sparing a glance at Mark at all. Jaemin had unlocked the door at around eleven last night, and Mark took that as a sign to enter. It made Mark heart hurt. Because what Mark said had surely hurt, but Jaemin, stupid, caring Jaemin, was still considerate enough to not let Mark sleep on the couch. So Mark got ready for bed, and slept next to Jaemin. There was usually only one pillow between them, but there were two last night, so Mark got the point. 

 

Jaemin didn’t make breakfast for Mark although he downed the coffee Mark made for him, but Mark guessed it was just in Jaemin to not waste, so he wasn’t just trying to spare Mark’s feeling by finishing the coffee, but more like he felt obligated to not waste. Jaemin even went down the elevator before Mark,  _ and  _ drove off without Mark, so at that point, Mark knew that Jaemin didn’t want to talk. 

 

But Mark knew he fucked up. Being in the office made him feel antsy, so here he is, outside of Jaemin’s school, trying his fucking best to not fuck up. Mark doesn’t know why he cares so much anyways. But of course he cares. Jaemin is his friend, and at this point, his closest one. It was fucked up for Mark to lash out on someone who  _ cared.  _ He was so guilty about Jaemin that he forgot the feelings he had when he saw Donghyuck and Jeno. It’s fucked up, and Mark’s just..here, right after texting Jaemin that he’s already outside. 

 

Mark sees Jaemin bounding down the stairs. He looks good. He’s wearing a light pink dress shirt today, the sleeves rolled up, and his hair not gelled. Mark didn’t get to see Jaemin today after he dressed since Jaemin rushed out, and now that Mark’s looking. He looks good. 

 

“Hey.” Mark says as a greeting. Jaemin only nods. “We’re going to that sushi place you like.” Mark offers, and Jaemin still doesn’t say anything, staring pointedly outside. Mark stays silent after that attempt. It’s silent for a while. Until Jaemin speaks out. 

 

“You should drive. People think it’s creepy to be outside an elementary school for so long, y’know. You watched Signal?” Mark has. Signal’s fucked up. 

 

Mark hums, and starts to drive. “Signal’s fucked up. It was a lady in red being creepy outside an elementary school. So different.”

 

“You’re wearing red.” Jaemin points out offhandedly, and surely enough, Mark is. Mark just laughs. Mark glances at Jaemin to see him cracking a smile, too. 

 

Mark sighs. They’re at a traffic light. It looks like it’s gonna rain. “Hey, I’m sorry.” 

 

Jaemin bites his lips shut. He glances at Mark. “Whaaat? What fooor? You did something?” 

 

Mark breathes out an incredulous laugh. “Sorry. I really am. I lashed out on you because I had a bad day, and that’s fucked up because you were there to be nice, and it’s just fucked up.” Mark bites on his lip. He drives when the light turns green. He glances at Jaemin. He’s just staring at the trickling rain. He looks nice. Does Jaemin like rain? Mark looks forward again. “I’m sorry.”

 

“I care for you, Mark.” Mark feels himself heat up. “I don’t think you realise that.” Maybe. “I care for you, and seeing you fucking sad made me fucking sad. When you pushed me away, it had hurt.” Jaemin sighs. “It’s okay, though. I understand. Whatever.”

 

Mark sighs. “It’s not whatever, though.”   
  


Jaemin shrugs. He leans over a little, and pats Mark’s thigh comfortingly. “It’s alright. What I said last night was wrong too, y’know. About Hyuck leaving you thing. That was out of line. I didn’t mean it that way. I didn’t mean it at all. I was just saying it so you’d feel hurt, too. Sorry, Mark.”   
  


Mark wonders if he should tell Jaemin that Jaemin being angry at Mark was even more of a blow to Mark than that jab. Mark wonders if this is okay. Jaemin’s still patting Mark’s thigh. Mark’s mouth feels dry. “It’s okay. We’re both, like, tie right now, right?” It’s a joke.

 

Jaemin looks at him seriously, though. “Let’s not make hurting each other a habit, Mark.” Mark can only silently agree. “What happened when you meet Donghyuck and Jeno anyways? You seemed to be really affected by it.”

 

Mark was. Mark doesn’t know what to do with the realisation that Jaemin getting hurt because of Mark was more of a blow to Mark than it was seeing Donghyuck. “Um. Dunno. I realised when I saw him that I don’t miss him at all.” Jaemin squeezes his thighs at that. “And, um. It’s more that I missed having feeling for him? Does that make sense?” 

 

Jaemin breathes out a laugh. “In a way? Yeah.”

 

Mark feels settled at that. “That realisation made me sad in a way. Like, that realisation that what we had was really gone? It came stronger than I thought it would. Donghyuck was a long phase in my life. It’s a bit hard to let go.”

 

Jaemin is silent for a while. He then pats Mark’s thigh one last time. Mark misses the warmth. “I think it’s nice that you can talk about your feelings now about being constipated about it.”

 

“That was my training arc.” Mark says jokingly, and Jaemin gets it immediately, laughing at the anime reference. 

 

“Oh, man! Speaking of which, my favourite fan artists posted more fanarts today of Tsukki and Kage. I’ll show you later.”

 

Mark just laughs.

 

-

 

When Jaemin tells Mark that his coworkers now think Mark is his boyfriend, Mark shouldn’t think much of it. Because Mark’s own coworkers think he and Jaemin are together anyways, so it doesn’t matter that Jaemin’s coworkers think like that, too. Except it does, and Mark doesn’t know why. 

 

Jaemin’s kind of consuming his mind lately. When things get annoying at work, Mark texts Jaemin, and Jaemin texts him the randomest things he finds online. His and Jaemin’s relationsi--friendship has gotten so comfortable that Mark feels scared. He’s touchy with Jaemin’s hair, and Jaemin’s touchy with everything else. He feels weird, and foreign, and he’s scared the most about the fact that he’s liking it. 

 

It doesn’t mean anything, though.

 

The way Jaemin’s hips bump into him as they wash dishes, the way Jaemin talks to him about his Haikyuu!! ships, and the way Mark’s heart feels warm when Jaemin is enjoying himself. It means nothing; the way he thinks Jaemin is good looking every morning he finishes getting ready. It means nothing; the way they text each other what their plans are for dinner. It means nothing at all; the way nights with Jaemin is something to look forward to. It means nothing that breakfast is always, always together, and lunch is also spent together sometimes. It also means nothing when Jaemin gets a little too close, and Mark’s heart quicken.

 

It all means nothing. 

 

Hopefully.

 

-

 

His mother called him on the weekend, just as he was cleaning the apartment with Jaemin. Mark didn’t realise at first, since the sound of vacuum was loud, but Jaemin points out that his phone is buzzing on the counter, and is about to fall off, so Mark notices, and wishes he didn’t. 

 

“Pick it up!” Jaemin hollers over the sound of vacuum, with his eyebrows pinches together. 

 

“Ughhhh.” Mark says, and grudgingly does, so Jaemin turns off the vacuum, taking a break by sitting on the stool surrounding the island. He takes out his phone. Mark stares at him as he picks up his phone. “Hello, mum.” 

 

“Minhyung, can’t even spare me a text, can’t you?” His mum says over the line, and Mark immediately feels guilt running through his veins. The guilt from not wanting to answer the call earlier is here now, and Mark looks away from Jaemin’s questioning gaze. 

 

“Haaaah. Sorry, mum. Promise I’ll text more.” 

 

“What you said last time. Make sure to  _ actually  _ keep that promise, baby.” Mark laughs sheepishly. There’s a crash over at the line, and Mark hears his mother cursing at his father for whatever that is. “Your father misses you too. What he’s trying to say. When are you coming back to Canada, Minhyung?” 

 

Mark feels himself sighing. This is exactly why he doesn’t want to answer. His mother  _ always  _ ends up asking these type of questions, and it’s tiring because Mark will never have the answer to this question. Canada isn’t just two hours drive away, It’s a 13 hours flight, and requires Mark to think when is the best time to take breaks. It’s just. A lot. And Mark isn’t ready for all that.

 

Jaemin must’ve seen the look of distress in his face, so Mark waves him off, smiling a little. 

 

“Just for a visit, baby. Can’t you? It’s been so many years.” Mark feels the tear ducts working now. When his mother uses the pet name it always gets him feeling warm, but hearing that, and begging for him to return just strikes a chord in his heart. 

 

“Sorry, mummy.” Jaemin raises a concerned eyebrows at that. “I’ll try to make it work, okay? I promise.”

 

His mother is silent for a while, and she finally relents. “Okay. Text me okay. Update me on things. How’s Donghyuck? I miss you.” There’s a shout somewhere on the line. His mother lets out a breathy laugh. There’s a stupid thought asking how his parents managed to stay in love. “Fine.  _ We  _ miss you. We love you.”

 

“He’s...yeah. Don’t know.” 

 

His mother is silent at that, but continues softly after. “That’s okay.” 

 

“Gotta go, mum. Love you too.” Mark hangs up. 

 

Jaemin still looks concerned. “You okay? That sounded sad.”

 

Mark sighs. “Kinda. I gotta visit my parents, man. Kinda miss them. And they miss me. It’s kinda sad.”

 

Jaemin blinks. “Oh, yeah, Canada. How long has it been since you last visited?”

 

Mark shrugs. “Last year of college? During Christmas?”

 

Jaemin grimaces. “Jesus, Mark.”

 

Mark frowns. “I know.” Mark doesn’t know why, but he says it. “Kinda told my parents I broke up with Donghyuck.”

 

“Oof.” Jaemin says, and he looks sorry for Mark.

 

Mark wants him to stop, so Mark says it: “Hey, wanna come visit my parents with me?”

 

“Me?!” Jaemin asks, and the sorry look he had on disappears.

 

Mark cracks a small smile. “Yeah. I can even pay your ticket. Unless you don’t want to. Which is totally okay.” 

 

“Um. Dunno, Mark.” Jaemin says. He looks kind of worried. “Won’t you parents get a different idea?”

 

Mark shrugs. He picks up the vacuum. “Like I said, it’s okay if you don’t want to, dude.” Mark turns on the vacuum. It’s loud and blaring. 

 

So is Jaemin’s answer: “Fine, I will!”   
  


Mark feels the pool of regret; slowly from his chest, and to his stomach. Oh damn. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaa hehe. idk if this was good or not honestly but hey ~feelings~ ;;; thank you so much for reading! it means a whole lot to me honestly. 
> 
> i'm on [twitter](https://twitter.com/nctkkum) if you wanna follow me! 
> 
> and i opened up a [curiouscat!!](https://curiouscat.me/adequater) if you wanna ask me questions hehe
> 
> thank you, once again. ❤️

**Author's Note:**

> aaaa hope this was ok. kinda spent a lot of time, on and off, with this baby. thank u for reading! comments and kudos are rlly appreciated ;; new chapters will be coming, but i can't guarantee when! 
> 
> i'm on [twitter](https://twitter.com/nctkkum) if you wanna follow me! 
> 
> and i opened up a [curiouscat!!](https://curiouscat.me/adequater) if you wanna ask me questions hehe
> 
> thank you, once again. ❤️


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